Any movie critic can tell you what a newly released DVD is about & spoil the ending for you. I plan to ruin your entire DVD watching experience by highlighting it's flaws, it's missteps, it's examples of poor editing, casting, and point out the ridiculous holes in the plot. If you're cynical, you'll appreciate this valuable service I'm providing. If you're easily impressed, then don't say I didn't warn you.  - Mean Jean

Watching this movie made me feel even more ancient than I am. Either that, or this disaster film is perfectly pitched at children aged 13 & under, in keeping with the rating. This is an odd dichotomy, given the presence of the awkwardly staged 'character development' scenes. Few 13 year olds have the patience to slog through such scenes, preferring the action or 'humor' to whip along briskly. Unfortunately, since the action is as stilted as the dialogue, the humor as grim & humorless as a documentary on funeral practices, this movie ends up being one that's aimed at absolutely no one!! Fortunately, the transparently contrived 'weepy' scenes are set off from the rest of the movie with sappy, 'made for TV movies of the week about fatal medical dramas' type music, for those keeping score at home. This was nice, as the audience then has an audible warning when to hit the "skip" button. (Don't worry, kiddies! You won't miss anything good, relevant or important! Skip with impunity!) 
 
What happens when a bunch of children get adult privileges like good paying jobs with plenty of vacation days, drivers licenses, money, cell phones & credit cards, & decide to go on a road trip or write a movie about one together? I bet you could write a better buddy story than the script writer did, why don't you, & mail it to the production company that churned out this movie? Apparently, they are in need of decent scripts that hold up to casual scrutiny by even people less jaded than me.  
 
This pile of wasted effort stars Seth Green, who must have been desperate for the money to agree to be in such a pitiful flick, as Whatshisface, the neurotic, obsessive compulsive but successful doctor who teams up with his childhood friends after the death of the thrill seeker of the bunch to hunt down D.B. Cooper's long lost fortune. In spite of his career calling as a doctor, Seth is like a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde type doc, quick to whine about potential medical calamities that might befall him & his buds on their rollercoaster thrill ride© trip across the state, yet he's so ignorant of or embarrassed by the names of women's sexual organs that he refers to them with cutesy euphemisms. Hopefully he's not a gynecologist! In sewing up his good friend's bullet graze, in spite of the fact that the bullet had cauterized it before he got it all trashed & filthy he again shows a basic dearth of common sense that average morons possess. In doing so, he demonstrates Hollywood's favorite 'Dr. Stupid' designation: assigning doctors a lower level of knowledge of medical assistance & terminology than amateurs have. Other such movie docs include Dr. Mary, from "Something About Dr. Mary", with her confusion over semen vs. hair gel. 

Hopefully some day Hollywood gains some medical knowledge beyond the layman's level in future comedy flicks. Oh, well aim low & hit the mark, eh, guys? Hurry up with those scripts, AntiMusic people, before Hollywood implodes under the crushing weight of its own stupidity!! The buddies fit the predefined Hollywood cliché mold, the fake Owen Wilson-esque dude as a broke, down on his luck slacker & the Norm MacDonald lookalike who won't commit to anything including his job. Too bad these guys aren't as funny as the real thing. Oddly, these guys are the 'cool' ones in the movie, and the doc is the weak, pasty moron that deserves ridicule. Yeah!! Welfare rocks!! Let's all not apply ourselves in school & drop out & surf!! Real jobs are for suckers, anyway! I fear this movie perfectly captures a snapshot of today's generation. Please AntiKids, prove me wrong!! 
 
Once again Hollywood reminds us of our collective stupidity. If they hadn't helpfully dyed the river blue for the overhead shots, I swear I would have thought it was a railroad track or something. In fact, every time they'd cut to the guys in the canoe with the water being real colored, I kept saying, "Duh! Where are they? Where did the blue river go? Are they riding horses now??" Now I know that homemade tapes made by little boys 15 or 20 years ago sound as good as CD quality when played after gathering dust for the interim. Thanx, Hollywood! I'll try that! I'll also believe you that... oh, nevermind, there's WAY too many 'only in a stupid movie' idioticisms for me to mention: there are at least 2 dozen, try and spot them if you want to be entertained while watching this garbage, I'm growing weary just thinking about how long I'll be chained to this keyboard if I record them all, I'm just too old. 
 
Some of the fake conflicts this unconvincing band of 'friends' encounter include a rogue cop; rednecks with guns to complement their subnormal intelligence (when everyone knows gun lovers are the polar opposite); tree dwelling women with grizzly bear fuzzy legs in contrast to their hair free armpits; & a stupid Hollywood bear that's too cultured to know that people are tasty. Too bad the countless people who have been eaten by bears in recent history didn't run into these types of movie bears. I think they were sleeping in their tents in real life before becoming dinner, so much for the lay there & play dead theory of handling bear attacks. I will also leave this movie alone for reinforcing the myth that you climb a tree to escape one, lemme just say that carbon monoxide or overdosing on pills are much less painful methods of suicide. As far as praise for this movie goes, not many movies have brought me to the brink of having to leave the room to throw up, but again, it could be that I'm just very old indeed. Now back to the thrashing. The idea in "Jurca$$ic Park 3" of the dino eating the cell phone & becoming easy to track later & recover the incessantly ringing phone are replayed here identically, and no, that isn't why I almost vomited all over my lap. I've seen that scenario before! I'd warn ya what scene to skip through, but I like dogs, dogs like to eat puke, I'd like your dog to enjoy himself during this movie since you won't be able to. Just have your canine handy & you'll make it through that scene fine.  
 
Too bad the age of kids that might like this movie probably won't know who D.B. Cooper is, so they better do some research. You might find the real story more entertaining than this movie, which isn't saying much. In fact, just skip this movie & surf the net, your time will be much better spent! Again, maybe I'm ancient, but I just don't find 30 year old men crashing funerals as though they were 5 years old & don't know any better, making idiotic spur of the moment decisions, and demonstrating they are too immature to function as an adults amusing. Maybe if they were 20 it'd be more convincing, since the average American 20 year old is really only about 14. See? Either I'm decrepit & picky, or this movie is designed for the stupid & easily impressed, whoever they might be. If this movie does well, it'll send H'wd the wrong message, consider that before you shell out your cash. One day you'll be a grown up & won't think this type of junk is funny at all. 
 
These guys show real heart as they jump from fake, overwrought emotion to fake, overwrought emotion like a drunk chick with PMS. I know lots of real men, but none who end up all gushy & teary after spending an afternoon together doing some serious introspective musing. No, it wasn't their friends' death that put them in such a state, it was their dismay with the sad plot & script of this movie. More to disagree with, anyone?
How 'bout that although the crime of pedophilia is punishable by death on my property, a mention is made about one of them having sex with one of the moms. Isn't someone like that in the news at this time facing years in prison? Didn't some teacher just get out of the pokey for this? Yeah, that's hilarious, you know best, H'wd. Next time make a movie where a girl mentions that she has had sex with one of the dads & see if people find that as amusing. 
 
As if insulting my intelligence wasn't enough, they inserted an entire "Reefer Madness" type marijuana sequence, where they get the results of being stoned wildly wrong. I watched it & became convinced that this is indeed a movie made by children, who really have no clue about much in life, but they tried hard anyway. Let's hope the Academy Awards offers these kidiots some kind of 'self esteem' trophy so theirs isn't bruised by
people hating this movie in droves. After all, it isn't the end result, it's how hard you tried in getting there, isn't it?
 
In the notes I took while watching this movie, the Cliché & Contrivances Count (CCC, a new MJ rating category for lame movies!) was 18, in a 98 minute long movie, that's 1 cliché or contrivance every 5.4 minutes, or more than the average bear can stand. Don't watch this movie at a friends house, skip it entirely to clean out your gutters, or scrub your toilet, or scrape & repaint your eaves, or work on the screenplay I beg you to send to Hollywood. You won't end up disappointed then!   
 

(but if you must click here to buy the DVD)