In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
Hit & Dumb
Paula Abdul Stalker Needs to be Arrested
for Setting Up Car Crash! (And no, the right question isn't "who would
stalk her anyway?")
Some guy followed Paula Abdul around, taking
pictures of her until she smacked into him accidentally in her terrified
distress while changing lanes, then fled without exchanging insurance information.
I say good for her! I plan to do the same today on my trip into town to
buy a Clifford book! (I'm teaching Brittney Spears how to read, she's doing
great, with a lil' help from the Big Red Dog!)
She no doubt was struck dumb with fright
at the same guy following her all over town. No wonder she didn't exchange
insurance info with him, he'd find out her secret, private insurance policy
info then! Imagine how he could further terrorize armed with that!
He could get into more car accidents, claiming
her was her husband out for a drive in the butler's junk pile. When he
collides with other star struck fans of Paula, he could skillfully turn
their fawning over him for being married to someone that's not at all a
washed up has been from the 80's, into offers of loans, gifts and free
food. That kind of thing happens all the time!
If she had actually pulled over & admitted
she crashed right into him like a fifteen year old on a learners permit,
he might have called a lawyer & sued her out of her Mercedes. In order
to protect the guy from his rampant greed, she was best off driving away
from the scene as though she didn't notice herself smashing into Jalopy
Joe. "Ooopsie! What was that? Probably the wind, or else just that crazy
stalker that wouldn't let me change lanes, serves him right!"
Anyway, giving some poor guy her insurance
information would have been an invitation for him to take advantage of
her. Imagine the power he'd have as he strolled into the swankiest hotels
in town, plunking down the crumpled piece of paper containing her name
& policy number & say, "bill your finest suite to my wife's insurance
company", defrauding both the hotels and the insurance company out of thousands.
He could amble into any electronics store and pull the same scam- after
he buys a pick up truck the same way so he wouldn't have to get the loot
delivered by the store. She did exactly the right thing by keeping that
ammo to herself, and future car accident causers might take note of the
new protocol in this high tech day & age on how to deal with car accidents
& protect your identity.
What threatened to make this crime worse
was the potential for the theft of identity of some poor harassed stalking
victim, as though her being chased down the freeway by him so closely that
she couldn't even leave her lane without hitting him wasn't enough of an
ordeal!
I hope she continues to defy the law, keeping
her private info private! Show that stalker it's not that you think that
laws are for little people, it's just that you suffer delusions of celebrity
& all the side effects, like trivial news stories about boring &
boorish events in your life making it into the press, photogs chasing you,
and worst of all, fans hounding you at your every turn. Send a message
to potential stalkers everywhere: Better not get into a crash with someone
rich & famous, or you'll be left poorer than when you started!
breaking news update!!
Since we all have been so concerned for
Paula's safety over this entire stalking episode, I am pleased to report
that she skillfully hid behind her attorney, so she didn't even have to
face her security threat in court! She probably was at home hiding under
her bed in terror & composing an ad seeking a chauffeur.
And what a kind, forgiving girl she is,
to have instructed her lawyer not to mention the stalking & harassment!
(Be careful, Paula! I know you just want to give him the benefit of the
doubt, but he is a dangerous stalker, after all!)
But now because of her kindness the poor
girl has to pay the stalker! Oh, well, at least she didn't have to suffer
the indignity of doing jail time! We should all send the judge a 'thank
you' letter for dishing out more celeb justice. I think I should move to
California & become a judge, handing out marshmallow puffy 'sentences'
& getting to meet attorneys of the rich & famous.
California antiKids, next election write
in my name on the judges ballot! If elected I promise to change the face
of celeb courtroom run ins so much you won't even recognize it. I'll bring
back breaking rocks with a pick axe, redefine 'victimization' and show
those judges what celebrity justice is all about.
I'll remind you again closer to election
time!
Words of week.
Scofflaw:
One who habitually violates the law or fails to answer court summonses
Lickspittle
An abject flatterer or parasite.; Paula's judging style on American Idol
Charlatan:A
person fraudulently claiming knowledge and skills not possessed.; Paula
as a judge of talent.
Supererogatory:
Performed
or observed beyond the required or expected degree ; Paula's ass kissing
on American Idol
Posted by GREENMUSE:
actually i havent,the only one ive found so far just stocks normal fatigues,along with some of the crazy and nearly useless camoflague trousers(snow camo in florida???)one time i did almost buy one of those nifty ww1 german helmets with the spike on the top at an antique store.but i didnt have the money unfortunatly,or fortunatly depending on how you look at it.i would defintly sport it whilst cruising around in the car.id hope if the hat was infested with lice i would get the toes back,or perhaps could sell the authentic 18th century sailors lice on the antiques roadshow.yes i like antiques and im straight.
Posted by dolly:
Green, have you checked the army supply stores in your town? I'm not sure if they take toes as currency, however. If the hat is infested with late 18th century headlice, do you get your toes back & a free delousing? (and can headlice be cooked & eaten or will PETA come to their defense, even? Who will play at the 'save the lice' concert?
Posted by GREENMUSE:
i knew what you meant,i was just suffering from an uncharacteristic bout of the goofies.you're spot on with the admirals hats though.id give a toe or two for one of those.
Posted by ??:
The Royal Navy's Type 23
guided missile frigate, check it out.
Posted by dolly:
Mr. Doppelganger likes the uniforms from the Revolutionary War best, with the built in bulls eye on the chest.
Posted by DeadSun:
Not "impressive"--- "impressment", an antiquated practice by which convicts and/or civilians could be forced into military service. Perhaps if Britain brought back the ships and uniforms of, say for instance, their late 18th century navy, they could be restored to their former glory. The outfits alone just might do the trick. Who among us doesn't want one of those admiral's hats and swords?
Posted by DeadSun:
Not "impressive"--- "impressment", an antiquated practice by which convicts and/or civilians could be forced into military service. Perhaps if Britain brought back the ships and uniforms of, say for instance, their late 18th century navy, they could be restored to their former glory. The outfits alone just might do the trick. Who among us doesn't want one of those admiral's hats and swords?
Posted by ??:
No, the British Navy may not be all that impressive these days, but they do have some pretty cool ships.
Posted by BUTCH :
while not completly on the subject but somewhere in the same vicinity, lets all give robert blake a big antimusic "congradulations" for gettin away with murder. its nice to see the laws of truth rise above the laws of man.--bill this post to dolly.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
but you have to ask yourself if the british navy is all that impressive anymore,id have to say it isnt.it doesnt really cut the imposing figure it used to in the 1700's
Posted by Ballz:
You're an idiot.
Posted by Caught in a Mosh:
Thank god, now we know that we can watch our American Idol with good ol' Paula.
Posted by DeadSun:
Ah... breaking rocks with a pick axe... now THOSE were the days, I tell you. Also; those horizontally striped, black/white suits are snazzy as all hell--- and we KNOW how concious our celebrities are of fashion. Personally, I'd like to bring back the days of impressing people into the British navy. Of course I would be the first and final word as to who goes and who stays. DS: "What do you mean--- you RAN out of guacamole? OFF TO THE BRITISH NAVY WITH YOU!"... Boy of boy--- I get all warm and tingly just THINKING about that.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
well,the important thing is paula is ok.with a little luck we will all pull through this trying time together,as a family.
