with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
Non
Offensive Rock: Volume One
“We’ll be right back with this month’s
Deaditorial, but first… a brief word from our sponsor.”
Are you the sort of person who finds the
messages that overwhelm our everyday lives to be offensive?
We at DeadSun Productions Inc. know EXACTLY
what you are going through.
Day after day, we are bombarded with the
evil disease of intolerance: homophobia, racism, sexism, and chauvinism.
It seems like there is an attempt to hurt people’s feelings around every
corner, lurking insidiously beneath even the most apparently harmless words.
I too find this insensitivity everywhere about, and political correctness
is our only hope.
A few weeks back, I was sipping on a caramel
latte mocha swirl, at a local trendy café, trying to decide as to
whether or not “light” and “dark” was a racially divisive means to designate
a coffee order--- when something dawned on me: Rock music is utterly packed
to the BRIM with offensive words! Acting upon this incredible revelation,
I finished my pretentious, overpriced cold sesame noodle salad, and headed
straight to my cd collection.
Once I realized that 99% of all of the
songs that I owned were spreading the gospel of intolerance, I set to work.
… and so after many sleepless nights, DeadSun
Productions Inc. is proud to present--- for the first time EVER--- “Non-Offensive
Rock: Volume One”. Just take a look at this politically correct-charged
rocker of a compilation!
“Piece of My Heart”, Janis Joplin
Although Janis is a female, and therefore
a victim, I’m still troubled by the connotations of possessiveness contained
in these words. Taking is bad. Sharing is good. Yes--- we must “share”
with one another, and build a better world. The use of the word “heart”
is still troubling yet. What about the other organs? Why have they been
overlooked and neglected? Decency itself dictates that the only way this
song can be rendered inoffensive, is to give it a new title:
“Share Another Piece of My Non-Gender Specific
Anatomy”
It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Next up…
“Runnin’ With the Devil”, Van Halen
Aside from the obvious affront these words
pose to atheists and “faith-based” groups, I believe that it is high time
we expose the REAL devil among us. We must bring this great truth to light,
and with what irony will it indirectly come to us by way of Van Halen---
a band of groupie groping chauvinists.
The new, enhanced title: “Runnin’ With
the Straight, White, Male Devil”
Admittedly, the chorus sounds a little
uneven… but WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR RATIONAL SOLUTIONS. The offensiveness
has to end. The oppressors are winning. Moving along…
“Sheena is a Punk Rocker”, Ramones
Here we go--- a clear attempt on the part
of white males to impose roles on women. Why does Sheena have to be a Punk
rocker? These words do nothing to dismantle the antagonism between the
sexes. How does this set an example, and place a premium on the importance
of multi-culturalism? How is this contributing to the bitter struggle against
homophobia? This will NOT do.
New title: “Sheena is a Dyslexic, African-American
Lesbian”
… for FAR too long has the world ignored
the plight of the dyslexic, African-American lesbians. Now they will finally
feel like they belong.
“Man in the Box”, Alice in Chains
They think they can get away with such
an overtly misogynistic title, just because they use a women’s name in
their moniker. This is unbelievably offensive. Man in the box? Why just
the man? Why can’t the woman be in the box? And why does this song DELIBERATELY
omit the possibility that a hermaphrodite might want to get in the box?
If you’re as tuned in to underlying offensive behaviors as I am, then you
know that this song means to alienate hermaphrodites. It’s as clear as
day.
The kinder, enhanced title: “I’m a Man,
or Woman, or Aspiring Transsexual… in the Box (so don’t alienate me)”
… and what about this slap in the face,
to all who have alternative dietary lifestyles?
“Closer”, Nine Inch Nails
Well--- I suppose the title is vague enough
to avoid offending anyone--- but there is one lyric IN PARTICULAR that
simply must be altered.
“I wanna f*ck you like an animal.”
This is clearly the clever propaganda of
meat eaters. From this point forward, this lyric will be replaced with:
“I wanna f*ck you like a soy-based meat
substitute.”
I’m sorry, but under the old lyrics, vegetarians
are being persecuted.
… and last but not least.
“Piano Man”, Billy Joel.
I’m so offended by this song title, I
need to have a non-caffeinated herbal tea, and maybe do some yoga exercises.
Piano MAN? Excuse me? Evidently, Mr. Joel has strong opinions over WHO
sits behind the piano. A bittersweet, moving song? I think not. Let the
words furnish you with the facts: no mention of those afflicted with learning
disorders. No nurturing words for those with alternative lifestyles. NOTHING.
New title: “Sing Us a Song, You’re the
Transvestite Piano Player With Attention Deficit Disorder”
Well ladies and gentlemen, and lady/gentlemen…
here it is.
“Non Offensive Rock: Volume One”
“Share Another Piece of My Non-Gender
Specific Anatomy”
“Runnin’ With the Straight, White, Male
Devil”
“Sheena is a Dyslexic, African-American
Lesbian”
“I’m a Man, or Woman, or Aspiring Transsexual…
in the Box (so don’t alienate me)”
“Closer”… I wanna f*ck you like a soy-based
meat substitute.
“Sing Us a Song, You’re the Transvestite
Piano Player With Attention Deficit Disorder”
… and so I want to hear from all of you.
Do you have any Non-Offensive Rock songs that you’d like to chime in with?
We’d like to hear from you.
PS--- TO HELL WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.
Until next month, this is the DeadSun,
signing off.
DS
Your
turn.
Fan
Speak:
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